Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Best Days of Our Flerns: A Farewell to 30 Rock

Holy shit, this is a thing I have.
LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS

30 Rock is, and may forever stay, my favorite television program. It's a hilarious, biting, meta, and frankly insane sitcom, the brainchild of SNL's Tina Fey. For the uninitiated, the show revolves around an SNL-inspired sketch comedy series (TGS with Tracy Jordan) and the goings-on about the crew. 30 Rock documents TGS's early days to its final episode, fittingly corresponding with 30 Rock's own finale, on January 31st.

I discovered 30 Rock during its third season (during my seventh grade, if I recall correctly) on Netflix, and quickly became enamored of the series. It was simultaneously smart and absurd. The characters were memorable and massively entertaining. It's just fucking awesome. I knew I had found something special when I watched Season 1's "Black Tie", in which the final Austrian Habsburg prince is revealed to have extreme genetic deficiencies due to inbreeding, and dies after drinking wine for the first time at his 25th birthday. I powered through the first two seasons (the only ones available on Netflix at the time)
                              "100% Virus Free"?

, then shoveled through the great manure pile that is the internet for a non-malware-laced copy of the first episodes of season 3. Once I had caught up, I began watching the show on television. This proceeded for four years, which is a good chunk of my life. Come late 2012, 30 Rock's final season, its seventh, began broadcasting. I'm going to be clear: this entire season (and the last six episodes in particular) was a masterfully-crafted send-off to six years of excellent comedy. As the season progressed, recurring characters were given send-offs pleasing in the extreme, take fan favorite quack Dr. Spaceman's (spuh-che-mun) final scene, in which he was declared Surgeon General of the United States, or extremely gay businessman Devon Bank's final defeat at the hands of one of the series lead's, NBC President Jack Donaghy.

But the true brilliance of the last season is exposed in the final few episodes, where we see the main character's stories finally end, executed in as lighthearted a manner as ever. It was a brilliantly 30 Rock (used as an adjective shut up) ending. I won't go deeply into details, but every character is given a satisfying send-off, and it's never sad. Sure, it's sad that their stories are over, but Tracy Jordan isn't shot in the face walking home after being fired. No tragedies occur, and it's an ending that manages to be both happy and absolutely hilarious. One of the final moments of the show is a callback to The Rural Juror, which was a running gag all the way back in Season 1. They unearthed it, turned it into a fantastic bitersweet moment, and used it to end the series.

If the hypothetical reader hasn't watched the entirety of 30 Rock, you really need to. It'll be a worthwhile 48.3 hours.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Not Dead Yet

Still clinging to life with the resolve of that cat in that motivational poster.
Expect an update at some point, imaginary person.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Do you realize how incredible it is that there's a place on Earth called Terra del Fuego?
Terra del FUCKING Fuego. Not even 'Land of the Fire', because that wasn't badass enough for the planet. No, it had to be Spanish. Fucking incredible. Bravo.

Friday, December 14, 2012

The Official Seven Shoggoths™ Apocalypse Survival Guide


So, noble readers, it has come to my attention that we are facing a Code "Most Eldritch of Colours" apocalypse scenario. And what's worse, we've only got eight days to prepare. Luckily, I am in the unique position of both (a) being a horrific amalgam of seven most vile of creatures and (b) running a blog, which I can use to communicate with the humans. Of course, I'm not the only authority on the subject, I'll need some help.
To that end, I have assembled a crack team of fellow experts.





So, once I had gathered this veritable legion of Super Friends together, we got down to business.

How will I know when the apocalypse has started?
December 21st, 2012. That is the day that the world as we know it will come to an end, in a great, horrifying eruption of fire and ooze. You will know when it comes, as the hand you use to masturbate will immediately become consumed with a flame that only can harm that which the hand touches, but not the hand itself. Our team has run simulations and expects this to be the first major blow to mankind, as 65% of the male population is projected to end their own lives in the following moments.

If I manage the unlikely feat of mantaining the will to live, what should I do after the initial sign?
You are advised to stay below ground level for at least the first week after the Initial Event. This is due to the plague of Land Squid that will arrive and cover the surface entirely to a depth of at least 60 feet. Once the Land Squid have purged any organic material they can find, they will naturally dissolve into the sweet, succulent honey that will likely be your primary form of sustenance in the barren world. In your underground shelter, use any materials at hand to form makeshift scuba gear, and use it to swim up through the honey to the surface of the new global, golden sea. Your next step will be to find an easily-defensible position, perhaps on a skyscraper, or ancient monastery.

Why will I need a fortified sanctuary?

The three-stage apocalypse was not truly the end of the world. Of the world as we know it, yes. But the earth is still here, and once the world is truly barren, the Rabbit People will descend from on high to claim the earth (humanity's earliest ancestors only rented the place, you see, and the new tenants won't take kindly to squatters). You must eke out a living in the new, unforgiving, hostile, world.

On reflection, maybe I'll just kill myself when the hand thing happens.
Fair enough.

 this has been the
SEVEN SHOGGOTHS APOCALYPSE SURVIVAL GUIDE


Monday, December 10, 2012

Jam by Yahtzee Croshaw - a review

Let me start by saying I'm immensely biased in this review. It'll basically be flat gushing all the way through. You could argue that I am the personification of bias as a concept, and you could be sort of right. Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw is basically my idol. If you, hypothetical-and-probably-fictional person reading this, do not know who he is, here is his most recent video.

So the man's written two books, which are both comfortably within my favorite genre, British Humour. Because it is British humour, yes I have to spell it that way. I like British humour for its characteristic wit and almost universal tendency to imagine colorful scenarios and populate them with equally interesting and amusing characters. The two names everyone (should) know are Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett. Pratchett, of course, responsible for Discworld, the engrossing series of fantasy novels which I quite like in that you can open any particular one and get a pretty clear idea of what is going on shortly, as the series as a whole is more focused on the setting than any particular narrative. Douglas Adams is known for the in-retrospect-badly-titled Hitchhikers' Trilogy (in Five Books), which was one of the earliest respectable books that I read. He's also responsible for the less-appreciated but still brilliant Dirk Gently series.

That's quite enough about other people, though. Jam is the second novel by Yahtzee, and it's good. Well, I think so. It follows Mogworld, which was thoroughly enjoyable, but in comparison to Jam, it just pales. Mogworld was also thoroughly imaginative and full to the brim with brilliant characters ( one Slippery John comes to mind) and he's been able to do it again with Jam. Mogworld was an MMORPG (mumorpurger) like World of Warcraft, reworked to be easier on the tongue, "Massive Online Game World". It deals with a non-player character in said game and his journey to realizing his place in the universe and his long quest to finally, properly, die. That's enough talk about that one.

Jam takes place in the same universe as Mogworld, but on a real-world scale. Jam is set in reality, on the plane that Mogworld exists in as a videogame. The premise of the book is conveniently explained in its first sentence: “I woke up one morning to find that the entire city had been covered in a three-foot layer of man-eating jam.” So we can see that although Jam is set in real-world Brisbane, Australia (Yahtzee's city of residence), the plot becomes outlandish right from the start, in a satisfyingly British Humour way.

Our narrator, Travis, is a departure from Jim of Mogworld. Travis is a bit dim, and over the course of the story develops an attachment to a spider which he calls Mary, despite its entirely unknown sex. The band of survivors that form the main group of the book is varied. In bullet-point form, let's list the other main characters and explain why they're so great.
  • Tim is Travis's former flatmate. The third party in the arrangement was eaten on Day 1 of the Jampocalypse, as he forgot to look down the stairs before sliding down their railing. Tim now sees himself as the man who will rebuild society, and seems a bit too eager about the whole thing.
  • Don Sunderland is a returning character from Mogworld. In it, he was one of the developers of the Mogworld project, and is consequently seen by the NPCs as a sort of god. In Jam, he is a main character. He sees himself as the only sane man, but is driven by an absolutely single-minded quest to retrieve a hard drive containing his magnum opus, and flat-out states he would kill himself if it were to be lost forever.
  • Angela is a journalism student with an ever-present camera and a fixation on uncovering the origin of the Jam. She is particularly interested in...
  • X and Y, two American government agents with quite a lot to hide.
These characters come together in a fantastic way, and are only complemented by the various settings they traverse in their quest for survival and the equally uproarious figures who populate them. I found myself engrossed in the hilarious society that formed in Brisbane's mall post-Jam. It was where all the hipster kids liked to be, and of course after the Jam hits it becomes an ironic cult built around a lunatic called Crazy Bob, but with actual sacrifice and other forms of madness. It all leads up to a conclusion that is suspenseful, comic, and has some actual closure.

That's not to say it's completely without flaws. The characters are hilarious, but sort of without complexity. Of course, it's a comedy, so you don't really need characters with deep and engaging arcs, but still. And the ending, while suspenseful, comic, closure, I've said this already, has parts glossed over. Not the epilogue so much, but much of the climax is handled a bit quickly. It's impossible to go into more detail without spoiling anything, so there you go.

These are just examples, and can't hope to replicate the feel of reading Jam and discovering its gems for yourself. I highly recommend it.

I wrote a terrible joke.

What do former mobsters who become veterans say about D-Day?
Spoiler text in white:

nevah fuggedaboudit

Oh god I'm sorry for unleashing this... this... monstrosity.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Freddie Dyson and Too Many Pirates

Alright internet, shut your traps, I'm about to start talking.

So, I've got an idea for a story. I'm going to try serializing it and posting a chapter here every while. What I like is the premise, so I'm dumping it on the one outlet I have available.

Not this kind of Space Pirate.
At some indeterminate point in the future where we're in fucking space, we've got crime issues. And with all situations like this one, we need someone to shitty up the day for the criminals. In some cases, that's Sherlock Holmes. In this, it's Jek McGroo (my god that name sucks i'm changing it). Lance Greenberg (hurk) is an absolutely batshit but absolutely brilliant private detective. Hired to deal with a missing bottle of whiskey, our hero Terrence Jackson goes off on a grand adventure, uncovering and facing off a nefarious ring of Space Pirates. It'll be a comedy adventure to last a lunchtime*.

That should be great fun!

*with apologies to the rutles