Do you realize how incredible it is that there's a place on Earth called Terra del Fuego?
Terra del FUCKING Fuego. Not even 'Land of the Fire', because that wasn't badass enough for the planet. No, it had to be Spanish. Fucking incredible. Bravo.

The Official Seven Shoggoths™ Apocalypse Survival Guide

So, noble readers, it has come to my attention that we are facing a Code "Most Eldritch of Colours" apocalypse scenario. And what's worse, we've only got eight days to prepare. Luckily, I am in the unique position of both (a) being a horrific amalgam of seven most vile of creatures and (b) running a blog, which I can use to communicate with the humans. Of course, I'm not the only authority on the subject, I'll need some help.

To that end, I have assembled a crack team of fellow experts.

So, once I had gathered this veritable legion of Super Friends together, we got down to business.

How will I know when the apocalypse has started?
December 21st, 2012. That is the day that the world as we know it will come to an end, in a great, horrifying eruption of fire and ooze. You will know when it comes, as the hand you use to masturbate will immediately become consumed with a flame that only can harm that which the hand touches, but not the hand itself. Our team has run simulations and expects this to be the first major blow to mankind, as 65% of the male population is projected to end their own lives in the following moments.

If I manage the unlikely feat of mantaining the will to live, what should I do after the initial sign?
You are advised to stay below ground level for at least the first week after the Initial Event. This is due to the plague of Land Squid that will arrive and cover the surface entirely to a depth of at least 60 feet. Once the Land Squid have purged any organic material they can find, they will naturally dissolve into the sweet, succulent honey that will likely be your primary form of sustenance in the barren world. In your underground shelter, use any materials at hand to form makeshift scuba gear, and use it to swim up through the honey to the surface of the new global, golden sea. Your next step will be to find an easily-defensible position, perhaps on a skyscraper, or ancient monastery.

Why will I need a fortified sanctuary?

The three-stage apocalypse was not truly the end of the world. Of the world as we know it, yes. But the earth is still here, and once the world is truly barren, the Rabbit People will descend from on high to claim the earth (humanity's earliest ancestors only rented the place, you see, and the new tenants won't take kindly to squatters). You must eke out a living in the new, unforgiving, hostile, world.

On reflection, maybe I'll just kill myself when the hand thing happens.
Fair enough.

 this has been the
SEVEN SHOGGOTHS APOCALYPSE SURVIVAL GUIDE

Jam by Yahtzee Croshaw - a review

Let me start by saying I'm immensely biased in this review. It'll basically be flat gushing all the way through. You could argue that I am the personification of bias as a concept, and you could be sort of right. Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw is basically my idol. If you, hypothetical-and-probably-fictional person reading this, do not know who he is, here is his most recent video.

So the man's written two books, which are both comfortably within my favorite genre, British Humour. Because it is British humour, yes I have to spell it that way. I like British humour for its characteristic wit and almost universal tendency to imagine colorful scenarios and populate them with equally interesting and amusing characters. The two names everyone (should) know are Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett. Pratchett, of course, responsible for Discworld, the engrossing series of fantasy novels which I quite like in that you can open any particular one and get a pretty clear idea of what is going on shortly, as the series as a whole is more focused on the setting than any particular narrative. Douglas Adams is known for the in-retrospect-badly-titled Hitchhikers' Trilogy (in Five Books), which was one of the earliest respectable books that I read. He's also responsible for the less-appreciated but still brilliant Dirk Gently series.

That's quite enough about other people, though. Jam is the second novel by Yahtzee, and it's good. Well, I think so. It follows Mogworld, which was thoroughly enjoyable, but in comparison to Jam, it just pales. Mogworld was also thoroughly imaginative and full to the brim with brilliant characters ( one Slippery John comes to mind) and he's been able to do it again with Jam. Mogworld was an MMORPG (mumorpurger) like World of Warcraft, reworked to be easier on the tongue, "Massive Online Game World". It deals with a non-player character in said game and his journey to realizing his place in the universe and his long quest to finally, properly, die. That's enough talk about that one.

Jam takes place in the same universe as Mogworld, but on a real-world scale. Jam is set in reality, on the plane that Mogworld exists in as a videogame. The premise of the book is conveniently explained in its first sentence: “I woke up one morning to find that the entire city had been covered in a three-foot layer of man-eating jam.” So we can see that although Jam is set in real-world Brisbane, Australia (Yahtzee's city of residence), the plot becomes outlandish right from the start, in a satisfyingly British Humour way.

Our narrator, Travis, is a departure from Jim of Mogworld. Travis is a bit dim, and over the course of the story develops an attachment to a spider which he calls Mary, despite its entirely unknown sex. The band of survivors that form the main group of the book is varied. In bullet-point form, let's list the other main characters and explain why they're so great.

• Tim is Travis's former flatmate. The third party in the arrangement was eaten on Day 1 of the Jampocalypse, as he forgot to look down the stairs before sliding down their railing. Tim now sees himself as the man who will rebuild society, and seems a bit too eager about the whole thing.
• Don Sunderland is a returning character from Mogworld. In it, he was one of the developers of the Mogworld project, and is consequently seen by the NPCs as a sort of god. In Jam, he is a main character. He sees himself as the only sane man, but is driven by an absolutely single-minded quest to retrieve a hard drive containing his magnum opus, and flat-out states he would kill himself if it were to be lost forever.
• Angela is a journalism student with an ever-present camera and a fixation on uncovering the origin of the Jam. She is particularly interested in...
• X and Y, two American government agents with quite a lot to hide.

These characters come together in a fantastic way, and are only complemented by the various settings they traverse in their quest for survival and the equally uproarious figures who populate them. I found myself engrossed in the hilarious society that formed in Brisbane's mall post-Jam. It was where all the hipster kids liked to be, and of course after the Jam hits it becomes an ironic cult built around a lunatic called Crazy Bob, but with actual sacrifice and other forms of madness. It all leads up to a conclusion that is suspenseful, comic, and has some actual closure.

That's not to say it's completely without flaws. The characters are hilarious, but sort of without complexity. Of course, it's a comedy, so you don't really need characters with deep and engaging arcs, but still. And the ending, while suspenseful, comic, closure, I've said this already, has parts glossed over. Not the epilogue so much, but much of the climax is handled a bit quickly. It's impossible to go into more detail without spoiling anything, so there you go.

These are just examples, and can't hope to replicate the feel of reading Jam and discovering its gems for yourself. I highly recommend it.

I wrote a terrible joke.

What do former mobsters who become veterans say about D-Day?
Spoiler text in white:

nevah fuggedaboudit

Oh god I'm sorry for unleashing this... this... monstrosity.

Freddie Dyson and Too Many Pirates

Alright internet, shut your traps, I'm about to start talking.

So, I've got an idea for a story. I'm going to try serializing it and posting a chapter here every while. What I like is the premise, so I'm dumping it on the one outlet I have available.

Not this kind of Space Pirate.

At some indeterminate point in the future where we're in fucking space, we've got crime issues. And with all situations like this one, we need someone to shitty up the day for the criminals. In some cases, that's Sherlock Holmes. In this, it's Jek McGroo (my god that name sucks i'm changing it). Lance Greenberg (hurk) is an absolutely batshit but absolutely brilliant private detective. Hired to deal with a missing bottle of whiskey, our hero Terrence Jackson goes off on a grand adventure, uncovering and facing off a nefarious ring of Space Pirates. It'll be a comedy adventure to last a lunchtime*.

That should be great fun!

*with apologies to the rutles

Skyfall: A James Bond Film from the perspective of someone who's only seen Dr. No

This is my first real post. I'm not going to dwell on that, let's just jump in. Spoilers may follow.

Skyfall is the second James Bond film I've ever seen. The first was Dr. No, and that was also the first Bond film ever to grace theaters. Now, in the intervening period, there have been more Bond movies than there have been years in my life. Of those, I have seen the first, and the most recent. One might think that there's some context I'm missing, but apparently only the last two movies bear any relation to this one. I watched the film and was able to figure out pretty quickly what was going on, so I feel I got the full experience or close to it without them.

The most obvious difference in the two films was in the characters. James Bond, once Sean Connery (of Celebrity Jeopardy fame), is now someone called Daniel Craig. This new Bond lives in 2012, like us, instead of the 1960s, like Janis Joplin.

1962

 

2012

2052

 

 

 

 

 

Also new is that M, 007's boss, is now a woman. Q, Bond's tech support-ish figure who gives him a gun and does computer stuff, is some kid. I don't remember this guy being in Dr. No.

Back then nerds were considered unfit for theaters.

M's secretary, Miss Moneypenney, is now Naomi Harris, and is a field agent. She shoots Bond at the start of the film, presumably to get her back behind a desk as quickly as possible.
The closest thing 007 has to a love interest is a woman called Sévérine, who apparently works with the villain until she betrays him, or something. The long and short of it is that she and Bond fuck then the villain shoots her. Nobody seems to care and the film doesn't dwell on it.

The villain is another computer guy, but played by Javier Bardem. His name is Silva. He has a grudge against M so steals a hard drive with the identities of some MI6 agents. They start to make a big deal out of his techiness, and it sort of relates to a conversation Bond has with Q about the effectiveness of physical vs cyber warfare, but they don't really go anywhere with it. It's a shame because it would have been interesting.

Easily the best part of the film was the climax. M was assaulted by Silva in some sort of court martial, so Bond extracts her to his childhood home in Scotland (the titular Skyfall, which is a really cool name). There they meet Kincade, the old Scottish gamekeeper. He was the best character in the film.

When he's got his rifle you'd better get the fuck off his turf

.

Bond, M, and the unbelievably cool Kincade (I'm not even joking this guy kicks ass) prepare for Silva's inevitable arrival by laying traps and assembling an arsenal. Silva comes with a small army and a helicopter. There's a lengthy battle sequence (during which Kincade shoots three guys then says "Welcome to Scotland"), then Bond blows up the estate. Soon M, Kincade, and Silva are alone at a chapel on the grounds. Silva thinks Bond dead, as after the blast he fell into a freezing lake. Bond had, however, survived. Silva attempts to get M to shoot herself and Silva simultaneously (apparently he just wanted a suicide pact). Bond arrives at the last minute and harpoons Silva. After he dies, it becomes apparent that M had been critically wounded in the fighting. She dies in his arms.
This is the part that irritates me. In the end, both Silva and M are dead. Isn't that what Silva wanted? You could argue that the villain won.

Regardless, MI6 is saved, and some bureaucrat takes M's place, making M once again a dude. Moneypenney becomes his secretary once again. Kincade's still alive too, so fuck yeah.

Skyfall is a good movie, even if it had some flaws, and deserves a watch if you've got a couple of hours free.

Let's get this out the door, then.

Hello, internet!
It's been a while, hasn't it. Well, not really, I'm not much of a content creator.
But that will change!
This is a blog, or a metaphorical spit in the Pacific Ocean that is the world wide web. It will be updated half past whenever every while, with my writings and whatever else captures my attention. You can call me Seven Shoggoths, for we are many. And also very nerdy.