The Official Seven Shoggoths™ Apocalypse Survival Guide

So, noble readers, it has come to my attention that we are facing a Code "Most Eldritch of Colours" apocalypse scenario. And what's worse, we've only got eight days to prepare. Luckily, I am in the unique position of both (a) being a horrific amalgam of seven most vile of creatures and (b) running a blog, which I can use to communicate with the humans. Of course, I'm not the only authority on the subject, I'll need some help.

To that end, I have assembled a crack team of fellow experts.

So, once I had gathered this veritable legion of Super Friends together, we got down to business.

How will I know when the apocalypse has started?
December 21st, 2012. That is the day that the world as we know it will come to an end, in a great, horrifying eruption of fire and ooze. You will know when it comes, as the hand you use to masturbate will immediately become consumed with a flame that only can harm that which the hand touches, but not the hand itself. Our team has run simulations and expects this to be the first major blow to mankind, as 65% of the male population is projected to end their own lives in the following moments.

If I manage the unlikely feat of mantaining the will to live, what should I do after the initial sign?
You are advised to stay below ground level for at least the first week after the Initial Event. This is due to the plague of Land Squid that will arrive and cover the surface entirely to a depth of at least 60 feet. Once the Land Squid have purged any organic material they can find, they will naturally dissolve into the sweet, succulent honey that will likely be your primary form of sustenance in the barren world. In your underground shelter, use any materials at hand to form makeshift scuba gear, and use it to swim up through the honey to the surface of the new global, golden sea. Your next step will be to find an easily-defensible position, perhaps on a skyscraper, or ancient monastery.

Why will I need a fortified sanctuary?

The three-stage apocalypse was not truly the end of the world. Of the world as we know it, yes. But the earth is still here, and once the world is truly barren, the Rabbit People will descend from on high to claim the earth (humanity's earliest ancestors only rented the place, you see, and the new tenants won't take kindly to squatters). You must eke out a living in the new, unforgiving, hostile, world.

On reflection, maybe I'll just kill myself when the hand thing happens.
Fair enough.

 this has been the
SEVEN SHOGGOTHS APOCALYPSE SURVIVAL GUIDE